Stupid Cunts

So Blogger has totally fucked the way I was posting here. Therefore I'm not going to anymore. Hence the title.

Random

~Yesterday pretty well knocked the fucking shit outta me. It didn't seem so at the time, but I'm still semi-exhausted almost a day later.

Of course it could be the various fucking bullshit park related tasks that I'm under timed pressure to complete. I'm still fairly pissed off about those, which could, in turn, be draining my energy. And it's gonna rain the next few days, which will, in turn, preclude doing essentially any of them, as they are all outdoor operations. *sigh*

I think I'll punt and do a couple of easy ones and call the rest 'on account of rain'.

You know I'm really fucking out of it when I devolve to using fucking sports metaphors...

Random

~We spent much of yesterday morning at the vet. The doctor was late and they had to bring another vet in to cover. They waved the fee for the visit, bless their hearts.

Squirt had gotten an eye irritation last Thursday [Bredsday] and it spread to both eyes and turned infectious. We'd rinsed her eyes with a saline solution which helped – the vet approved - but did not cure.

Then on Sunday [Eponaday] Buckethead went from zero to sixty with an infection. His eyes were clear and fine at 11am and all swollen and inflamed by 7pm.

Just before that we had decided on a vet trip anyway, but that seriously confirmed it. No one else seems affected however. *knocks wood*

So now they both are quarantined in Le-Le's bedroom. Every twelve hours they get 'burritoed' in a towel for a pill and eye goop. They both show signs of improvement already. The saline rinse probably is responsible for that.

We slept the rest of the afternoon and early evening. Well, I slept until nearly 10pm and I suspect I'll be back in the rack soon. Still got Required Shit to do this week. *scowls*

Her Prophet Reflects

~I grew up in an extreme and dysfunctional environment full of emotional violence. I live with the Damage it caused to this very day.

I don't say that as a Victim; I survived it. I state it as a simple fact of who I am, much the same as my height, my gender and my eye color.

I also grew up with Privilege and Money. Combined with my Damage, all that gives me a unique view of the world, a valuable and hard won perspective. And...

...that Damage also makes me very..'jumpy' in situation like the one we're in right now. Our personal prospects are actually pretty good, but we have to wait things out and there is uncertainly and I don't do well with that. Too much imagination in some ways, imagination skewed toward 'negative outcomes'.

This is when I start to doubt myself and my Path - “Who do you think you are?” “You're too damaged to do this work.” “No wonder no-one will follow you.” - and so on. Self examination can be a double edged sword.

I then have to remind myself once more that I am not supposed to be a Leader, but merely a Guide. It is from among you, my Sisters, that our Leaders are to be found, and especially from among those Sisters who will grow up inside The Sisterhood, who will be nurtured and trained to Own their Power and Know their Path from their earliest days.

That is what keeps me going on some of these long empty nights.

Random/Life in The Desert Mash-Up

~It is presently 92° and 13% humidity. It made it up to 90° yesterday and promises to get back to 92° tomorrow.

That is also why I'm fucking off for these few days. Nearly all that 'needs to be done' is outdoor activity. I'm staying inside during the daytime and either sleeping or watching crime drama.

And that's fucking that!

EDIT@3:44pm - It is now 94°

Random

~I totally fucked off today...and it was good.

Then I had to go into Le-Le's room and make an out loud verbal commitment to totally fuck off for the rest of the weekend. Once I was feeling even just a bit rested I started going over all that needs to be done, so that definitive commitment was required. I really need more than just a day. I'm a fried fucking mess, truth be told.

The only thing that absolutely must be done is to take the garbage out. I could blow that off too, but I know that'd just make me fucking nuts. Well, more fucking nuts. *smirk*

And that's all I'm gonna say for now...

Random [redux]

~We are going to fuck off today. I'm not even going around the corner to check the mail. So there...

Random

~Yesterday I swooped and zoomed up and down between Depression and Rage. I finally slept it off for the most part between 1am and 5am. That cycle is still dogging me a bit, but by and large I'm stabilized for now.

It was all 'situational' of course. The Housing Issue is central, but there is actually a larger issue here which is even more depressing.

That Woman has proclaimed herself for decades to be a Progressive and a Champion of Social Justice. She joined the Peace Corps at 64 and last year went down to Mexico to volunteer at an orphanage.

But in the crunch she lapsed into the worst type of tribalism, totally refusing to look at the real culprit in the matter – The Note Holder – because they go to the same synagog, going straight to obfuscation and legal terrorism as fast as any Republican Plutocrat and with all of their self justification.

That she is economically oppressing a disabled woman on a fixed income with a life threatening, physically disabling disease never enters into her mind. She wants her money. That she lost her money by getting involved in a national Ponzi scheme also never enters her mind. The Note Holder is a Righteous Jew and would never cheat anyone, at least not a fellow Jew.

That is, in microcosm, why I have no faith in the survival of The Republic. I strongly suspect much of Occupy would behave in the same fashion. The American Middle Class is self obsessed, fickle and myopic. It fully deserves the ass fucking it is presently getting.

All this has been tiring and will continue to be so for the next number of months. As I have said, I can sleep it off. It's Le-Le that I worry about. If anything happens to her...

...well, that is best left unspoken. Those who know me can piece it together.

Random

~I finally went back to sleep at around 8pm and slept until around 1am. I actually feel somewhat human now.

I'm surfing and puttering and will likely be back in the rack as the sun comes up..which is fine. The only thing I have on the menu today is taking a smaller Trucklette bench out of Baby, my '86 SAAB sitting unused in our driveway, because she is going to our friend Jack's and getting an electronic flyswatter via UPS.

The first few years we were here we really never had flies. There'd be the usual couple/three who'd show when it got warm. That's pretty much a given. The place may be cluttered, but I'm a maniac about dirty dishes and cleaning the kitchen. That's a leftover from being the Rents fucking houseboy for so many years.

But then we got new neighbors. They have dogs and used the backyard as a run, letting dozens of shit piles sit there for weeks. Now we have fucking aerial armadas of flies. This electronic flyswatter is the size and shape of a Ping-Pong paddle, but with a bug zapper in the middle. There is also an old fashion flyswatter en route.

I take great pleasure in killing flies and with my new weapons a massacre is now on the menu. *grin*

And there ya have it...

Random

~Fuck me, I'm a fucking mess tonight. Fucking park manager was doing her 'spring rounds' today, giving out notices on what needs to be done to spruce the joint up. And she woke us both up and me twice because she forgot one.

That was around 1pm and I hadn't gotten to sleep until 6ish and Le-Le around 8ish. I'd laid down again for about ten minutes when she came back. And I wasn't able to get back to sleep after that I was so pissed off. [I was sleeping well and deeply]

I told her to just tape to the door and not knock and I'd do a 'confirmation' later. They're effectively 'legal notices' regarding park rules and regs blah blah blah....

It's all nick-picky shit that we can deal with. It's the lack of sleep mixed with some PTSD that's got us both wound up.

Just ran out of energy to type this.....

Random

~I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Keep writing 'legal letters' in my head when I lay down.

Saw our lawyer today, a Good News/Bad News session. Bad News is That Woman will likely win her case against us. Good News is the operative word here is eventually. We paid him a retainer fee and now a war of attrition begins. *sigh*

We're still working on a loan to get into a new place. Both aspects are going to last for months. It'd be nice if That Woman would let up, but I suspect she's delusional. She's coming after this joint like it was the fucking Taj Mahal.

Truth is, she's gonna die in the red no matter what she does. She gave $74,000 to The Note Holder, is already about $6000 into The Ambulance Chaser, this place is neither salable nor rentable at this point and if/when it ever is, it'll not fetch more than $20/25K.

Whatever....

Random

~I have an appointment with our lawyer this morning. After that, I'll probably be heading up to the courthouse in Mojave to file a challenge to the papers served last week. I had Le-Le sign the cheques to be used, even though it's a joint account. She is the Defendant after all.

I'm going to do most of the 'heavy lifting' on this this, the meetings and filings and such. The effort may make me 'moody', but I can sleep that shit off. Le-Le really cannot. And if this works out as I hope, signing cheques may be all that is required of her.

The Other Side's papers were filed the same day that Le-Le wrote her letter to That Woman. I have no doubt that its content caused some consternation. But I expect that The Ambulance Chaser probably said to That Woman, “Look, you spent the two hundred and fifty dollars on the filing fee, so let me serve her and see what happens.” He may have even tossed that service in as a freebie.

The strategy here is to show that we're prepared to fight this thing all the way down the line. In the papers it mentions that a single offer was made in response to the March 15th 'auction', but it was not accepted. I'll bet good money it was a pittance. Add that to the numbers Le-Le's letter pointed out and it's possible That Woman will give up once we push back again.

Le-Le did say that we were going to get out of here both because of the structural issues and the legal provenance issues. Even if That Woman chills out, the legal status of this place is still very cloudy. Combined with a leaky roof and a moldy closet et al...well, time to go.

We do have the means and the opportunity to do so. We just need some breathing space to work that out. If that means beating up old ladies in court, then so be it. It's not like we didn't give her an out.

And you can take that to the bank...

Her Prophet Speaks

..message to an old friend..

"At the center of everything that I am doing and dealing with is The Explanation. I've been working on it directly for nearly four years now and I estimate that it is about three quarters done. I know it seems sometimes like I'm standing still – it feels like to me as well at times – but in fact I'm always working on it.

Even when the First Version is finally done and published, that will only be a single Event in an ongoing Process. And so it is...

http://theexplanation-nebris.blogspot.com/ "

Random

~It rained most of yesterday. We stayed indoors.

We are both really fucking angry about this bullshit, but managed to relax nonetheless.

Open warfare starts on Monday.

More later....

Random [redux]

~My reaction to today's events is just kicking now. The running around help with the adrenaline surge. And now I'm crashing just a bit. I probably need to get some sleep.

Le-Le was in a fury for a while. She ate and finally went to bed about an hour and a half ago. I'm doing my best to take on as much of this as I can. Yeah, I'm fucked up, but I can sleep most of this off. I don't got no lesions on my brain or my spine.

The Ambulance Chaser better pray she doesn't...well, let's just say in that head space I go straight to thoughts of Molotov cocktails and shotguns. I can smile and be charming, but Goddess help you and yours if you hurt mine. Believe me I say there is an evil sadistic mother fucker not too far inside of me.

This afternoon when I got off the 14 South at Avenue J there was this guy panhandling by the off-ramp. I thought 'old man' for a moment at the time, but he was probably twenty years younger than I am. He had a dog who was just chilling there like dogs do. I gave him a buck. He was pretty lost. That was the only time I cried today....until now.

Random

~Ms Tax Lady got back to me quickly this time and was a bit snippy. Plus she did not provide all of the information I asked for. Well, fuck her. I'll get that out of the Tax Assessor's office.

Nothing else in e-mail. Nothing new on Kern Courts. Ain't checked snail mail yet. I'll do that in a bit when I go pick up my Happy Pills.

Starting to think about dealing with this shit made my guts twitch. At least they didn't knot. I expect I'm gonna fuck off until Monday, unless there's some 'major development'. That'll include calling Her Son The Lawyer as well.

Honestly, I really don't feel up to dealing with any of this. I will of course. Better than just letting it hang. That takes a different toll. Le-Le's...

That's where I had gotten to at around half twelve this afternoon when there was a knock on the door. It was the aforementioned Major Development and I could tell by the sound the knock.

It was The Ambulance Chaser's legal assistant. He jumped back a bit when I came out. I wasn't coming at him. I just did want any feline escapees. But he's maybe 5'6 and 140lb and I move fast and tend to loom. He served us [well, Le-Le] court papers. I looked them over and asked if they had paid the property taxes. I believe I smiled a bit. He stammered that he didn't handle that stuff and I let him go on his way. He was mighty nervous. *snerk*

Good thing I answered. I think Le-Le might have clobbered him. lol She was fucking pissed, I mean pissed. Beyond the We're Taking You Court part, the papers were just a re-hash of the same old shit. That her case is still weak is irrelevant to the Ambulance Chaser. He gets paid one way or another,

I could not find the case number listed on Kern Courts, so I drove up to Mojave to check it out. Seems there's a law that keeps case filings secret for 60 days to prevent ambulance chasers from trawling for clients.

Then I headed down to our lawyer in Lancaster and give him the 411. He was disappointed in this development, but not surprised. He had a kind of 'They never learn' expression. We talked a bit. He is also bemused as to why the property taxes are on Le-Le's credit report. There's a good chance we may be able to get out from under them. *crosses fingers*

I also told our lawyer and his 'gal Friday' that regarding any paperwork that needed delivering and/or filing I was ready and able to run around doing such. That will save money and expedite matters. It'd also give me something do besides waiting some more.

For now however...we get to wait some more. *sigh* That's the way this shit rolls. Slowly.

And there ya have it....

Random

~It rained this morning. The power went out for about an hour. [6ish to 7ish in the am] I ate a snack while sitting in the dark.

I finally made it down to WinCo when the sun came out. Bought a fuckton of cat food and few other things. But first I got a new battery for the big flashlight next door at Lowes.

Still no news from anyone. Just re-sent my 'tax lady' e-mail with a I Haven't Heard From You/Please Respond note. It has been over a week. Time to start pushing.

Not much else to say...

Random

~I had these weird Star Trek: TOS/Game of Thrones mash-up dreams, ones that I was both directing and acting in. They were extensive and relentless. I've never even watched GoT, but media is saturated with the thing, so I expect I absorbed it by osmosis.

I felt all 'delicious' in bed, [Love that feeling!] very snug and comfy. But I was hungry and so I choose to get up. We don't seem to have gotten the rain yet, but the humidity is up to 71%. It was 10% when I lay down around 6pm. [slept until 1am] That helped my sleep a lot.

This gives one an idea about our so-called schedules. Le-Le slept sixteen hours yesterday, from 11am on Monday until 3am on Tuesday. I went to sleep just a few minutes after she got up and slept until 11am myself. Then back in bed at 6pm and she went down sometime between there and when I got up.

Because of her various afflictions, she needs long periods of sleep on a regular basis. Me, I switch out on my sleep cycles. There's my Up/Down Cycle; three to six hours sleep, followed by three to six hours awake, repeat. That's often followed by a ten/twelve hour sleep cycle, with three/four hours awake, then a two/three hour nap, then up for fourteen to twenty hours.

Anyway, as I said in my last Random, we're resting up for the next round, whatever it may be. Certainly The Taxman Cometh is on our menu, as is Home Loans...and Moving. [ack!] As for That Woman. et al? I suspect that's 'done', but am now fairly certain we won't know for sure unless we ask.

At this moment, I'm relaxed and mellow. I'm the only one awake in the house. Icarus and Athena greeted me as I made my coffee, but they both went back to sleep, though now that I think about it, Icarus may actually have gone back to the kitchen rear window to watch bunnies being nocturnal in our backyard.

I'm just gonna surf and then watch some crime drama....and there you have it.

Dear Trolls...

...we're gonna be fine. In fact, we're gonna be doing better than most of y'all. Sorry. lol

Random

~It's another quiet day here at La Casa De Los Gatos El Dormir. No drama in e-mail, snail mail or the Kern Courts. The weather is lovely, low 70's and breezy and all our windows are open.

I asked Le-Le if she wanted to go do some banking, start shifting money out of Chase and into the local credit union. [I have an account there] She said she wasn't in the mood and, to be honest, neither was I.

Essentially, she's waiting out a month since she paid off the various debts for them to clear off her credit report and then apply to some other lenders. We're not in love with the lender given as our first choice.

I went up to Albertson's and it was full of hoomons, but I survived. Now, I'm gonna have some lunch and watch a movie.

And there you have it....

Nebs Is Dreadfully Cynical

~I confess that my first thought upon hearing that Santorum had suspended his campaign in the aftermath of his three year daughter having pneumonia was that her illness was a staged event designed to allow him to exit the race with sympathy and in a 'non-defeated' manner.

Though I felt slightly 'unclean' for thinking that, such is the poisoned state of politics here in The Republic that I suspect I'm not the only one who entertained such suspicions.

Random/Life in The Desert Mash-Up

~It was wonderfully calm and quiet here today. No drama from anywhere. We really needed that.

I'll see how I feel tomorrow. If no one gets back to us about anything, I may take another day off. Remember we've had some kind of bullshit going on here since late last October non-stop and intermittently for a year before that. Breathing space is required.

The last two days the temp has gotten up into the low 80's and the humidity down into the middle single digits. But by this time tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 40° to 50° range and raining. That'll be interesting.

And that is just about that...

Random

~I suspect I'm not going to get anything done today. I'd been 'achy and crappy' since Thursday – you know, when I cracked open the Mold Closet and humped the two 100+lb Trucklette benches out onto the porch and back again – so yesterday after doing a 'light run' to Albertson's and making sure the garbage was handled, I took one of Le-Le's Flexerils and lay down. I slept about six hours.

It did help my achiness a lot, but it also got me fucking stoned, which is why I've avoided taking the things. Funny, I spent decades chasing that feeling and now, after being sober for so long, I don't really like it anymore. I've gotten very comfortable being 'sharp and clear'.

I did sleep another ten hours last night, but I'm still kinda punchy today. That's why the Calender post didn't happen until late morning. That punchiness is why I suspect I won't deal with any Housing Issues today. Not on the top of my game, ya know. And there's been no news so far, though I haven't checked the snail mail yet.

It seems I'm bottling up emotions, as well. I listened to Wichita Lineman a little while ago and started to cry. I honestly have no idea what it tapped into – I like the song, but it was never important to me as best as I can remember - but the tears flowed within seconds of it starting and kept on until the end. My eyes are tearing up at the mere recollection. *sigh*

That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I'll just relax the rest of the day. I got some 'hard pushing' to do this week.

Her Prophet's 'Easter Message'

"Now, from a legal and an epistemological stand point, The Pentavalence is a Religion in that it emanates from Revealed, and not Empirical, Knowledge, and it is meant to operate in a religious manner. However, we in The Temple of The Pentavalence view it as a Metaphysical Operating System and, in part, this is why.

The entire concept of Religion has itself has become problematic. Religion almost always implies Dogma, a fixed ideology that says, “The world is this way. Period!” and for a modern technological civilization, that is really a non-starter. Very few things ever stay 'this way' for long in such a civilization. And the Religions that now dominate our world clash with that paradigm more and more every day and with steadily increasing violence.

The problems the JudeoChristLamic Father/God Cults have with our modern techno-logical civilization are fairly obvious. All three are the 'metaphysical operating systems' of Bronze Age desert nomads ruled by tribal Patriarchs. Their world view is narrow and provincial and their God is a Small God, one confined, at the very least, to this world alone.

Confronted with the modern scientific reality of The Universe, He is positively Lilliputian. For His faithful, such a situation evokes Fear, then Hate, and finally, Rejection.

There are a growing number who consider Atheism to be the ideal replacement for Religion, but it too says, “The world is this way.”, though the “Period!” usually goes unspoken. Plus Atheism has two major failings, both fatal from our point of view.

First, as presently constituted, Atheism is essentially reactive, specifically a rejection of the JudeoChristLamic Father/God Cults, and every one of its tenants seem couched as a direct rebuke of said. That tends to allow the Father/God Cultists to frame all the debates and every time.

Second, and more importantly, Atheism also does not in any way, shape, or form, address the existential questions of Human Purpose and Existence in a vast and seemingly indifferent universe. It is utterly cold and denies the need for Spiritual solutions that Humans have sought ever since we could form the concept.

Hinduism and Buddhism contain many useful concepts, but each has its own crucial limitations.

Hinduism is really a 'cultural religion', that of India and of its people. It 'exports' poorly. Her Prophet has watched Westerners practice Hinduism and, to him at least, it always seemed a bit embarrassing, while the experience of Indian practice is usually very moving. That latter gave him an understanding of why some non-Indians would be drawn to Hinduism, but that is much akin to white folks wanting to be 'black'.

True Buddhism is essentially Nihilist, its real practice requiring a total rejection of The Material and as such it must be a rejection of any modern technological civilization, which is by its very nature is ferociously materialist. Buddhism can suit individual practitioners quite well, but is basically unsuited for a civilization. We do not include the types of Buddhism where The Buddha has been remade as a 'god'. We consider them 'apostate'.

Modern Paganism is rather a mish-mash and barely any kind of an 'ism' at all and that in and of itself makes it unsuited as the Spiritual Path of an entire civilization. Plus, it too is deeply provincial.

Pagans - at least those that we know - are humans, so their Paganism is Anthropocentric. They are generally born of two genders, so their Paganism is Dualistic. They live on Earth, so their Paganism is Geocentric. And the large majority of them here in the United States are culturally - and often racially - European, so their Paganism is Euro-centric.

But, as with Hinduism and Buddhism, Paganism contains a number of useful concepts and, like those, we of The Temple have incorporated many of them.

So, in barely five hundred words, we have just dismissed the world's five major religions and two of the most significant contemporary philo-religious movements. Such is the nature of this work.

While reading the above, some of you may have asked, 'why does an entire civilization need a single Spiritual Path?'

Part of that answer is quite simple; we, The Temple of The Pentavalence, were created with the goal of utterly transforming human civilization as it presently stands and we were created is this form because history has shown over and over and over again that a Spiritual Path is the single most effective and long lasting method of achieving such a total transformation.

Such a total transformation is required because, as stated above, the human species is clearly in trouble. And there is another answer to the question, 'why does an entire civilization need a single Spiritual Path?'

The answer is, “In order to guide a Triple Economy.”

..read it all at Her Prophet Explains: Part Three "The Temple's Grand Strategy"

Her Prophet Reflects

~Looking out onto the insane political landscape that is The American Republic, I'm of the opinion that the main thing that keeps Yours Truly safe at this point is that maybe a total of seven people take me seriously.

Random

~I am tired and sad today. Nothing especially terrible has happened here. It's actually been a quiet and peaceful day more or less. It rained, which help me sleep. There's food in the fridge and the garbage is all out on the curb. It's comfy inside and I have crime drama saved on my desktop.

I'm tired from both the ongoing Housing Issue, which is still 'in process' and because I was tired when I did a WinCo run at three this morning. I was starting to lose it on my way back and dropped right into bed like two minutes after unloading the trucklette and was out cold for five hours.

I'm sad for more reasons than I can possible list...

Close to home, the Housing Issue is taking its toll on Le-Le. I can suck it up when it comes to myself, but seeing her go through that upsets me badly.

And then there is The World...

These types of hateful idiots seem endless. And the litany of evil is certainly not restricted to White Folks as this documentary/article on slavery in Mauritania shows. I could not watch/read more than a tenth of the thing.

I'm in that space where all I wish to do is hide in my room. I think, “Her fucking Prophet indeed. More like 'dinky dog of terror' as Bukowski used to say. You think you can change the fucking World, asshole? The fucking World will fucking crush you and break fucking your heart fifty fucking times while doing so.”

*sigh*

Her Prophet Speaks

~One thought regarding the 'billboard post' below...my Sisters, do not think for one fucking second that even in social order where 'race' was no longer an issue that Men would treat you any better. Patriarchy at present is largely White simply due to its historical position, the tail end of five centuries of European political and economic supremacy.

Doubt that? Just look at the Chinese response to the One Child Policy; a surfeit of Male children. Or the millions of 'missing girls' in India. Cock is Cock no matter what its color.

More later to be sure...but right now I'm tired and annoyed and I need a nap.

Random

~Okay, this is a particularly unpleasant manifestation. Had deeply weird dreams about going to some low rent movie theater and then trying to sleep in one of its 'side rooms'. There was an endless parade of weird shit going in there and I 'couldn't sleep'. [that's about fear of being homeless] I'd wake up here for real in my room, but now it's starting to not 'feel' like My Room anymore. That sense of Yes, This Is My Room has calmed me many times, but now it seems it's fading as we push forward to move. That I've seen the room that will likely become 'my new room' has probably cranked that feeling up.

This is a disconcerting development. Thing is, I really love this room. *chokes up*

Random

~We are both a fucking mess. Emotionally, we're each more or less okay. But there is a lot of backwash from the roller coaster we've been on, the Terror/Relief Cycle of the past month. Our bodies are reacting in their own personal ways, Le-Le with a badly achy/weepy hormone festival and me with tooth and tum pain that disturbs my sleep.

We'll survive this. The wonderful outpouring of resources have given us the tools to do so handsomely. And even victory comes with a cost...

Invocation and Lesson

~In moments like this, when it is Quiet around here, I of course reflect upon recent events. The Oathbreaker comes up a lot and I get angry and thinking of Cursing her. But I realized at some point in the past few days that the worst Curse I could lay upon her is that her life remain exactly has it has been for the past decade, the same lying and cheating and running and loss of friendship and family, continued on endlessly until she dies alone somewhere. That is my Curse upon her.

She will however remain immortal in history of The Temple, a perfect example of Victim as Victimizer, that type of person who has had such an awful childhood etc, that they feel entitled to fuck over everyone else as needed to get what they want, that their own Pain and Suffering justify any and all bad behavior on their part, regardless of how it injures others, because 'the world owes them'.

The example of The Oathbreaker, the Victim as Victimizer, will be taught as a Lesson to all our Sisters of what to look for in their work with other potential Sisters and will be done so long after The Oathbreaker herself has died. Patriarchy generates them by the tens of thousands and we will need to remain on guard against that type for a long time to come.

And so it is....

Random

~Been looking at a blank Open Office file on and off for about a half an hour or so. A lot has shifted in the last twenty four hours, but I don't want to talk about publicly, largely because of the 'jinx factor'. And yes, I'm superstitious. I'm a Witch for fuck's sake!

I did do a massive three day Cleansing of the house, burning a large amount of Cleansing Herbs. Raw desert sage. Powdered green sage. Frankincense. Lavender. The place was swathed in thick clouds of smoke three nights in a row. Even walked the burner around the outside of the house. Widdershins the first two nights as a Banishing, then Deiseal the last night for Protection and Prosperity.

We then took Mundane Action...and 'things began to change'.

All this is still 'in process', so pleased redouble your Good Thoughts and Prayers. Details will be forthcoming when the time 'feels right'. Blessed Be...

Random

~Powerful Positive movement underway on The Housing Front. Dear friends, please send whatever Prayers, Invocations, Summonings, Etc. you have in your toolkits that could aid us. Blessed Be...

Today is The Kalends of Ternia 12AS

The Kalends is what we call the 1st of each month. It is always a Eponaday, always a First Day, always a Beginning.

On this day we Invoke Ternia, Goddess of The Third Month of The Year, and ask Her to Guide us and Protect us through all of Her Thirty Days. Blessed Be...


"The concept behind making each month a Goddess in Her own right comes from something E says in Part Two “The Temple's Metaphysics”: "By focusing individual or collective Will upon a specific Aspect of The Creatrix, meaning a specifically Named Goddess – such as Astarte, Kali, or, Bride – a Tulpa may be invoked out of The Creatrix, a part of Her that can be understood and related to, and therefor directed."

The idea here being to Invoke each Monthly Goddess at the beginning of of Her Thirty Days, asking for Her Guidance and Protection during Her Time. To facilitate this, we are reintroducing another Roman convention, The Kalend, Latin for 'announcing' or 'calling' and the basis for the word Calendar, as the first day of each month. Upon the arrival of The Kalend we are reminded to make the above Invocation.

These are new Goddesses and as yet Un-Manifested. Therefore, now as I write these words upon this page, I Invoke them and call then into Being.

By reading their Names, you my Sisters, also Invoke them. And as Common Usage becomes Established Tradition, the Nature and Traits of each Goddess shall make themselves apparent and become fully Manifest. Through this process, we shall Serve them and they shall Serve us, which is ever the proper relationship between Humans and their Deities."

Addendum D [Calendar for A New Matriarchy]

Random

~I had a good solid sleep this afternoon and early evening. Finally. Actually felt rested for the first time this last week. And of course I had to stop myself from running and doing the things that got put aside. I'm still not 'super' and need more healing. But at least I caught myself.

No news on the legal front. I said to Le-Le earlier that it's likely we're not anywhere near the top of Opposing Council's priority list. The Default Notice 'came due' on Feb 1st and nothing happened. In fact more than a week passed before he responded to my note of Feb 9th asking for 'proof of standing'. Granted, it was a shot across our bow, but it was also on a slow day [President's Day], his paralegal was the server and his office is only about seven minutes drive from here.

I'm hoping this means he's just going through the motions because she does not have a strong standing in this matter. We'll see....

Her Prophet Speaks

"One should always keep a plunger handy."

Random

~As per usual, slowly but surely I am recovering. Been sleeping in four to six hour increments, but supposedly that's how humans are meant to sleep.

I'm still getting little bursts of Fear/Terror, your basic PTSD pattern. I'll get over it. That seems to be my pattern. No matter what shit I get put through, I'm always able to take more of that which “I just can't take anymore of”. *sigh*

Well, fuck me, guess I have an Interesting Life....

Random

~So, worst case scenario, we've got two to four months left under this roof. The outcome depends upon the confabulations between our lawyer and theirs. We expect something less drastic will be worked out as the issue is about money and pushing us out the door will cost the other side maybe ten grand right out of the gate; court costs, back taxes, rehabbing the house, then selling or renting it plus paying the monthly lot rent while doing so.

We've always been willing to make some kind of payment, but only to someone who has a legal standing at the very least. Part of what will now be revealed is whether or not this woman has any, which is the very question I asked her a year and a half ago, getting no substantive answer. One will now be forthcoming as it's Lawyer vs Lawyer and billable hours are involved.

If she does not in fact have an enforceable claim, then we're back to Square One vis-a-vis The Note Holder. Our lawyer suspects she has 'something actionable' or her lawyer, whom he knows, would likely not have taken her case. I'm rather more cynical. But we should know more soon, possible by the end of this week, certainly by the beginning of next.

At least the fear of Sheriffs [or whomever] At The Door is abated. But the overall issue of where we are going to be living is still up in the air. For those of us in The PTSD Club, that is a highly uncomfortable place to be.

Random

~Some of the pressure is for now off, but we both feel utterly brutalized. My PTSD is off the charts and Le-Le's is in the same neighborhood. I'm torn between Towering Rage and Deep Sadness. I'm going lay down in a bit, see if I can get some decent sleep...and we'll start again tomorrow.

Random

~Ugh...woke up with a really upset stomach. Felt like I'd swallowed a hedgehog in my sleep. Sipped milk for a half hour and it got better. *sigh*

Checked the mail for any more legalistic terrorism documents. Just the expected follow up.

And the lot-rent bill was in. Though we were already a week and a half into the billing period when The Oath Breaker bailed, our electric bill was $87 less this month, though it's still about $40/50 more than it would be this time of year. I expect the water bill to show a dramatic decrease as well. That fucking cunt took a dozen showers a week and hit the washer like she was doing laundry for a fucking family of four.

That's about that for now....

Legal War Chest

~Once again we're going to the innernetz to ask for money. *sigh* This is a legal battle over our house. Most of it is pure harassment by someone without any standing in the matter, but if not handled we could end up homeless anyway. And it's also past time to legally finish off The Note Holder and end this bullshit. That means money.

If not for the Oath Breaker we'd actually have been okay for the moment as I had stashed money away, but her running up the electric bill and the water bill etc, drained that reserve, so here we are cyberbegging again.

From Le-Le: “We're in a legal assistance no-mans-land. There's legal aid in LA. There's legal aid in Bakersfield. There doesn't seem to be anything here. That's why we are going the unfortunate route of paying a lawyer, and asking for help from anyone who can manage it.”

If y'all are able, donate here: Legal stuff and a call for help

Random

~I'd say my general State of Being would best be described as All Over The Map.

It's a little more that three weeks since The Flight of The Oath Breaker and we're healing slowly but steadily...which is as ever not fast enough for me. I want to be Totally Fucking Fine Right Now! and I make myself kinda crazy with that on a regular basis. It's that fucking Patience Lesson that still dogs me.

My writing is roiling just below the surface and yet I'm still not able to muster the...'whatever' to effectively Face The Page. I put various Explanation work files back on my desktop, but so far nothing has popped. It seems I'm much happier playing in The Imperium. That's what lulls me to sleep. I do make notational files on that thing at least, stashing them in the larger working files folder when I finish poodling around with them.

My Higher Self knows that all this will take time. But my 'less higher selves' look around at the unfolding horror of the human condition and despairs...and then castigates 'us' for being so fucking arrogant as to think 'we' could ever have even the minutest effect upon any of it.

I also realize I need to weep some more for a number of reasons I really don't feel like elaborating. I just do. And that tap seems mostly stuck as well. Certain bits of fictional drama manage to wring a few tears out from time to time.

There is a short list of legal tasks that we need to undertake, too...*sigh*

No, I need to just chill for now....

Random

~Yesterday afternoon before I lay down again I took a shower and let the hot water run on my neck and for the first time in months, maybe even since the Oath-Breaker got here, I was able to crack my neck. I cannot fully express how much of a relief that was. Definitely a Sign of Healing.

Not much else to say at the moment. Still chillin'...

Random

~I'm kinda wrung out today. My tum-tum was very unhappy yesterday. I suspect that had to do with the rather rich dish I made over the weekend. That involved Italian sausage and an entire pack of bacon in a red sauce. It was yummy however. lol

So today I'm 'getting over it'. That means bland food, chillin' and naps.

At least M2E2 Day and Iran hysteria have pushed the Whitney Sobfest out of the news cycle....

Her Prophet Laments...Again

~Earlier today I was watching Heather McGhee on Bill Moyers and was immediately entranced. For me, she is an Archetype of the Perfect Sister; intelligent, articulate, passionate, dynamic, mediagenic, multiracial and a lawyer!

But around 17:00 I turned the vid off.

Like so many well meaning Progressives, all of her solutions come back to the delusion that Capitalism can be 'tamed'. That is where The Left et al fail time and again. They choke in the clinch.

Capitalism is a beast that ultimately eats its Host. Always and every time. We are near that fatal point now, but anyone who expresses that gets dismissed and derided as a 'godless commie', even by most 'leftists'. Such an opinion is Pure Heresy, in large measure because Communism as practiced in the 20th Century was itself such an abject brutal failure.

This was very depressing, another replay of the false Communism/Capitalism dichotomy. Seeing this woman lifted my hopes for a moment...and then dashed them once more. It's a vicious cycle, both here in my little room and out there in The Hologram. There is Another Way, but the vision of the New Matriarchy as put forth in The Pentavalent slays almost everyone's Sacred Cows.

And that makes it seem a totally unachievable outcome.

During my previous – and numerous – lamentations I have asked myself, “Is this Path really The Way?” I know many think I am delusional and at times I have thought so, too. And yet...

When I sit quietly and reexamine the decades of searching and thinking and observing, I still come to the same conclusion; The Male Must End.

*sigh* Honestly, I really really wish that I had a more 'marketable' solution. Goddess knows such would make my life a whole lot easier. But, in the end, it is what it fucking is, ya know...

..and so it is.

Random

~I think I'm also fighting off getting sick. We had three months of fairly steady stress and a week of full blown Crisis. The decompression is usually what lays me low.

But I sleep a lot, take supplements, etc, so it's pretty hard for anything to really get a hold of me. However, that don't mean something ain't tryin'.

I did some running around today - nothing major, just down to Staples and Wally's in Lancaster - but it fucking knocked the fucking shit outta me. Gonna eat and such and then climb back into the rack....

Random

~I'm sorta blah. Not depressed or 'down', just kind of generally uninterested. I think this is the 'post' part of PTSD.

My dreams have been pleasant and eventful, so sleeping has been especially nice. Can't sleep all the time of course. But right now I'm happier when I am.

I know I need to process this betrayal some more, but I don't have the heart for it just yet....

Stress Flow

~It seems my stress starts at the top and works its way down. First my neck and shoulders tighten up. Then when the stressor itself has passed, and they loosen up, my guts go all to hell. Finally it shoots out my ass in a hot stream of liquid shit.

I'm in the middle phase right now...

Random

~Another 'long nap', quarter of nine last night until half five this morning. Vivid dreams about working on The Explanation, which I take as a Good Sign.

Was just telling Le-Le about that out on the porch. She said, “The blocks are removed.” She's just woken up, too. Down to fifteen hours. Healing Sleep.

As with yesterday, my head is okay, but thinking about this Betrayal still makes my stomach hurt. So I'll think about other things for now...

Random

~Lay down around 8am for a 'wee nap'. Woke up around 3pm. Guess I was more tired than I thought.

And yes, all this has been fucking tiring. My head's okay, but it's taken a toll on my guts. The last two breakfasts have been uncomfortable. Even yogurt got a rumbly reception. *urp*

But I've been told Tyger is now 'out of the jurisdiction', back down to LA, where it seems there is an arrest warrant waiting for her on an entirely separate charge, one that we only just found out about. I suspect someone's gonna lock her up for something before the year is out.

Now I think I'll go put our gimp plates [Disabled Person] on the trucklette. They took forfuckingever to get here, but they did save us a hundred bucks on registration this year.

On The Menu For Today

~Sleep, schadenfreude and a cheeseburger.

Victim as Victimizer

~Wherein the ABUSE and/or SUFFERING a person has undergone is considered by them to be so HEINOUS that this then justifies any and all behavior on their part, no matter how said behavior may hurt others, because THEIR DAMAGE has now become more important than anything or anyone else, at all times and forever.

Random

~Oy....

I was up from 3:30am to 7pm yesterday, which is a long day for me, especially as Le-Le woke me up at that time to share this extension of the on-going clusterfuck with me. At the Sheriff's by 7am and then working the phone on and off until mid- afternoon.

A 'retaliatory visit' from Animal Control was also on the menu. [at least Le-Le was asleep for that] I explained what was going on [the AC officer knew the Deputy dealing with this..small town, ya know] and I showed her Flopsie, who is all sleek and plump, and she was like “Oh yes, they're fine” in a few seconds. We talked cats for a few minutes [she was a young 'cat lady' lol] and that was that.

Then talked with Kat for a couple of hours, which chilled me. [thanks, babe xoxox] I had talked with Ana Q yesterday, which also chilled me. [thanks to you too, doll xoxox] Overall both interfaces helped a lot. The Sisterhood, though still effectively unformed, is out there and essentially waiting for me to finish my Major Majickal Working aka The Explanation.

Anyway, I'm up for a while and will likely crap out again before dawn. Fuckin' fried.

And there ya have it...

Her Prophet Reflects Upon Recent Events

~As ever, Sleep is The Great Cure. Done properly, it rests the Mind and the Flesh, restoring Balance and Perspective. It's largely a Chemical Process to be honest, but such does have Metaphysical Implications for beings like us.

Anyway, I'm feeling better, as is Le-Le. The house is peaceful and we're enjoying that after so many months of Chaos. Of course Chaos is a Tool of The Grift; keep everything and everyone in a state of Upset and Turmoil and all manner of bullshit can be slipped past unnoticed.

I said to a mutual friend of Tyger's, “She did however really blow it this time. She had a sweet gig here, lots of latitude. We are slowly building an organization and we had talked a lot about using her 'skill sets' to further that. She had a future with us.

But she's still thinking like a junkie and now that door is closed forever. I also suspect she'll put a few more nails in that by dissing us to excuse her behavior. Those 'cleaning house' noises are just the opening notes of that tune.”

Said 'dissing' will likely be about my 'moodiness', Le-Le's 'depression' and the messy state of this house. All true on the face of it. My reply however is, “It's not Skid Row”, which was pretty much her only other option, at least according to her. [at this point, I have to regard everything I cannot directly confirm myself as a lie]

But the principal side effect of all that Chaos is that it made it impossible for me to write. I was willing to live with that for a while in order to help someone who proclaimed themselves a Sister, but as those who follow me know, it took a terrible toll. Money can be replaced, but I also lost nearly half a year of Time, which cannot be replaced. That is her primary crime towards me.

I shall not whine about however. What is done is done and now we start to look at the Lessons that come with this.

First place I look is regarding Recruitment into The Temple.

Tina was an emotional disaster. She too stole Time from me, but that stemmed from her own emotional confusion and from her unwillingness to fess up to said confusion. With proper contrition, she could return if she so desired.

Tyger on the other hand consciously weaved an elaborate web of lies with the overt intent to steal from The Temple. As previously stated, she is declared Pariah and cast into the Outer Darkness. She said she believes she will be dead within a decade. We here Invoke that as Truth.

And that brings me to the present list of potential Sisters, which I can reasonable count on one hand. I consciously said 'reasonable', not 'realistic' because I really do not expect any of you to show up any time soon, if ever.

While those of you on that small list [I'll tell you privately if you're on it] may see the potential of The Temple and its goals, at this point all of you are too deeply enmeshed with your own lives, both emotionally and financially, to make the leap required to become part of this. I say this only as a minor rebuke, as I do have some understanding of the courage needed to make said leap, the Courage of Faith, though I suppose saying you lack such is a rather severe rebuke when framed in that fashion.

But that is one Lesson I take away from these events...so far. As ever, More Shall Be Revealed.

Meantime, we recoup and I suspect I shall soon be able to once again properly Face The Page and finally finish The Explanation. Goddess willing, maybe that will give some of you the aforementioned Courage of Faith to come and truly become part of 'this thing of ours'. It's 'yours' too, but you have to claim it.

And so it is....

Betrayal

~As with most Cons, this has all manner of detail and complexity. But short version, Tyger, who'd been staying with us for the last three months, bailed on Friday owing us roughly five hundred bucks 'out of pocket'. [apx $100 loaned plus cumulative utility bills]

We know for sure it was a scam as she weaved this whole complex lie about borrowing money from a friend to start reimbursing us. When I checked with said friend, they had never even talked with Tyger about any such thing.

And it was a week to the day that we said 'time to start catching up cash wise' that she slipped out, while we slept no less.

There are many many more details, all the myriad games, lies and excuses that come with a Con, but we're just chilling right now and the whole thing is tiring. More later I expect, from Le-Le as well, Lessons to be un-packed and so on....

However, in this Tyger Warren-Wilson has betrayed The Temple, as she was taken under this roof via the auspices of The Sisterhood and violated that trust. Therefore she is declared Pariah. That may mean little now, but it will in the long run. And so it is....

Random

~This is one of those days when I feel that I'd be better off if I actually was the deranged psychopathic monster that I've been accused of being. Granted, in that case there would be a minimum of two dismembered corpses buried out in the local desert 'with my name on them', but at least our bank account would be fatter.

Today is The Kalends of Secondia 12AS

The Kalends what we call the 1st of each month. It is always a Eponaday, always a First Day, always a Beginning.

On this day we Invoke Secondia, Goddess of The Second Month of The Year, and ask Her to Guide us and Protect us through all of Her Thirty Days. Blessed Be...


"The concept behind making each month a Goddess in Her own right comes from something E says in Part Two “The Temple's Metaphysics”: "By focusing individual or collective Will upon a specific Aspect of The Creatrix, meaning a specifically Named Goddess – such as Astarte, Kali, or, Bride – a Tulpa may be invoked out of The Creatrix, a part of Her that can be understood and related to, and therefor directed."

The idea here being to Invoke each Monthly Goddess at the beginning of of Her Thirty Days, asking for Her Guidance and Protection during Her Time. To facilitate this, we are reintroducing another Roman convention, The Kalend, Latin for 'announcing' or 'calling' and the basis for the word Calendar, as the first day of each month. Upon the arrival of The Kalend we are reminded to make the above Invocation.

These are new Goddesses and as yet Un-Manifested. Therefore, now as I write these words upon this page, I Invoke them and call then into Being.

By reading their Names, you my Sisters, also Invoke them. And as Common Usage becomes Established Tradition, the Nature and Traits of each Goddess shall make themselves apparent and become fully Manifest. Through this process, we shall Serve them and they shall Serve us, which is ever the proper relationship between Humans and their Deities."

Addendum D [Calendar for A New Matriarchy]

Her Prophet Worries About His Mental Health

~No, it's not that I'm crazy. Not only did that horse leave the barn a long time ago, but even all the glue made from said beast has been fully affixed to whatever.

What I'm worried about is my Depression. I fear it is deeper than I want to admit. I have not been able to re-start on The Explanation. [I'm not even hyperlinking it at this point] And that leaves me without Purpose. Such does not make me suicidal, it merely puts me in a place where I am simply surviving day by day, largely indifferent to anything else. For me, that is a living death...and that is very depressing.

I have a fairly clear idea of the things that are blocking me..and there is nothing I can do about most of them right now. All I can do is Survive....

Quote of The Day

"The U.S. really is a society that simply no longer believes in due process: once the defining feature of American freedom that is now scorned as some sort of fringe, radical, academic doctrine. That is not hyperbole. Supporters of both political parties endorse, or at least tolerate, all manner of government punishment without so much as the pretense of a trial, based solely on government accusation: imprisonment for life, renditions to other countries, even assassinations of their fellow citizens. Simply uttering the word Terrorist, without proving it, is sufficient. And now here is Megaupload being completely destroyed — its website shuttered, its assets seized, ongoing business rendered impossible — based solely on the unproven accusation of Piracy." ~Glenn Greenwald Two lessons from the Megaupload seizure

Random

~Been a while since I did a 'personal post'. Been hiding out really. Sleeping, eating, watching Crime Drama, snarking a bit here and there. No real writing, just a sound bite or two. I don't really feel like writing. Certainly not on The Explanation. That's feeling like a lost cause right now. I suppose Goddess and my obsessiveness will drive me back to those particular pages at some point. But not today.

It's blustery and raining, so I'll likely go back to bed shortly. [though I'll still be the same height]

And there you have it...

Seems I Am Not The Only One....

Originally posted by morgandawn at Seems I Am Not The Only One..........who feels the need to take a break from an increasingly dysfunctional relationship.


Original image and campaign source: reddit.

Edited to add my own thoughts (not part of the original reddit call for action): And if you do not feel like taking a total break and perhaps want just a trial separation or couple's counseling, then perhaps consider Black March Lite 2.0 = spend, but spend money on those content creators and independent retailers who came out against SOPA/PIPA. And tell them why you're buying their products in March. There are many of them.

And for those who favor the more targeted boycott, you can find info here. But no matter which, you can participate and you can tailor your level of participation. We have the tools, the will and the strength to take a stand.

Text of image
Black March - Thursday March 1st 2012 to Saturday March 31st 2012
With the continuing campaigns for internet-censoring litigation such as SOPA and PIPA, and the closure of sites like Megaupload under allegations of 'piracy' and 'conspiracy' the time has come to take a stand against music, film, and media companies' lobbyists.
The only way is to hit them where it hurts.
Their profit margins.
March 2012 is the end of the First Quarter in economic reports world wide.
Do not buy a single record. Do not download a single song, legally or illegally. Do not go to see a single film in cinemas, or download a copy. Do not buy a DVD in the stores. Do not buy a videogame. Do not buy a single book or magazine.
Wait the four weeks to buy them in April: see a film later, etc... Holding out for just four weeks, maximum, will leave a gaping hole in media companies profits for the first quarter, an economic hit which will in turn be observed by governments world wide as stocks and shares will blip from a large enough loss of incomes. This action will give a statement of intent:
"We will not tolerate the Media Industries' lobbying for legislation that will censor the internet."

Nebs Sez

"The vast majority of humans, for all their various complaints about the thing, are perfectly happy with hierarchy because it lets them know where there are within the Social Order. This applies to 'outsiders', too: they know they are simply 'outside'. We're not a species that does well with being truly Free. We tend to equate it with being lost. Much like cats in that regard. Want to come and go as we please, but Goddess help you if our bowl is empty or the litter box full."

********

SOPA/PIPA Internet Boycott Day

~I've vaguely thinking about this, but today I realized that I needed to participate. For something like this I suspect I can survive a day without being on The Internet. I've got books and stuff on my desktop. At the very least, I will not post at all, except for the Matriarchal Calender [part of a larger continuous project] and that I'll do just after midnight and then 'go dark' until the next one.

I urge all of you to do the same thing. It seems like a petty effort, but its aggregate can be very big.

If you do not know what this is, read English Wikipedia anti-SOPA blackout for an explanation.

The Real Martin Luther King

"I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a “more convenient season.” Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection." ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Letter from a Birmingham City Jail, 1963

Random

~I doubled up on the Aleve, took some generic sudafed and went back to sleep for another five hours. Feel a lot better now. Kinda 'hungover' from it all, spacey, but the lack of pain lifted the depression. *sigh of relief*

Just chilling tonight. Gotta take out the garbage, but there that ain't much.

Random

~So far this is a Bad Day. [only be awake for three quarters of an hour though] Sinus headache and Depression. [yes, cap 'D']

I will take drugs and distract myself. [just took an Aleve/got “Forbrydelsen” on my desktop]

This is of course about The Work and the massive amount of evidence indicating most hoomons are fucking stoopeed that is presented to me every fucking day. [even the 'smart ones']

I make the requisite 'sigh'. [sigh] I've written nothing but rants and am chewing my cuticles until they bleed. [my form of cutting I suppose]

Not giving up, just bitching out loud so I don't get suicidal. [hate that cause I know I won't]

...and then I ran out of steam. [h00f]