~I actually started writing this two days ago. I wrote two sentences; I am confronted by a conundrum. [“No, it's only a Challenge,” says a perky lil voice inside...I fucking hate perky lil voices], which was supposed to be the opening, and Like every other stoopeed hoomon I am plagued and distracted by mundane issues, a few notes...and then I stopped dead. The file has just sat on my desktop until now [9:55am 17th Prim/Jan 12th].
As so often happens, I was taking a shit when I started thinking about this. Well, the excretory event was done and I was just sitting there in the afterglow. I didn't really have a conversation with E so much as re-play one that I've had with Her before and that She runs at me pretty much whenever I start whining to Her about The Temple, The Sisterhood and 'how tough it all is to do this' and 'no one is helping me' and blah blah blah.
I always get annoyed with myself even as I'm bitching and moaning about it. Yeah, this IS a rough fucking gig. That's why I really didn't want it in the first place. And why I get pissed off that you fucking bitches aren't stepping up to take This Thing of Yours off my hands. And yes, I know that's unfair and self pitying and in that moment I tend not to care. I'm still an Addict and I Fucking Want It Now!
*takes deep breath*
Okay, the 're-play'. Basically it's that writing The Explanation is in fact a Massive Majickal Working and in order for it to truly Manifest, I have to fucking finish it! That is the Nature of Majickal Workings; one needs to complete them in order to then Release them into The Universe and then proceed to the Mundane Actions necessary to fully Manifest them.
In some ways remember that is a relief. “Gee, all I have to do is finish it.” In other ways, it is very frustrating. [see previous quote] I'd love to bloody well finish it. And I am ”Like every other stoopeed hoomon...plagued and distracted by mundane issues.”
I am very distracted. By physical pain. By fear of financial insecurity. By self doubt. By depression and PTSD. And so on. [Yes, I also know it is certain that some have engaged in Majickal Working in order to prevent us from creating The Sisterhood, another reason we need the Presence of the Sisters who wish to see it born]
I've been looking for the CD for the voice activated program so I can download it onto this computer, but so far no joy. One more frustration.
I would like to start working on the thing again and yet I cannot seem to focus on it. I've gotten no traction in rebooting myself.
The best I seem able to do so far is to whine about all this here in my LJ which I then repost to my various blogging platforms after which I either take a nap because I'm exhausted or watch some Crime Drama because my mind is wrung out....and The Sisterhood then recedes that much further into the future.
And I'm afraid that IS 'what is so' right now...