Saturday, August 28, 2010

Death is My Co-Pilot

...originally posted on Sep. 20th, 2002 at 12:54 AM...

~Today, in 'another universe', I died in a car crash.

I drove up to Glendale this afternoon, taking Mulholland Drive on the first leg. Going around one curve, one I've gone around many times, I saw a man on the verge of the cliff, videotaping some the incredible houses that line that stretch. I had a powerful urge to look back at him, but resisted.

However, I felt that 'somewhere else', I had not resisted. And that I went straight over the edge of that curve. I could really see and feel the vehicle become airborne as it flew out and down into the canyon. I shut that off before...well, before.

The vision was crystal clear. Rarely have I had one with such a full spectrum of senses: visual, [I could see everything sharply] auditory, [I could hear the silence as the vehicle lost contact with the road surface] knistetic, [I could feel the pull in my stomach as the vehicle plunged].

I'm not sure how to interpret this. E tells me that is to 'confirm' my presence here, in 'this plain'. You see, I was driving to an STD clinic. I have a slight discharge, probably because I have been 'abusing myself' a bit too vigorously and irritated my urethra. I've done that a couple of times before, though not for decades. My last sex partner is fine, no symptoms. And we used protection.

But my negativity tells me that I have...well, you know, and that I'm going to die, because I do not deserve to live, I do not deserve to be happy, that I do not deserve to be loved, that I only deserve misery and a painful death. Alone.

I won't have the results to two weeks. Meantime, I'll go to the DV Cam seminar on Saturday* and pretend "I'm fine."

*I was trying to get a small film off the ground at the time.

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