Monday, March 7, 2011


~I woke up in an evil mood. I'd been thinking of my last small script attempt to make some kind of product that I could use to push myself as a filmmaker, which led to anger at how my mother had sabotaged the effort because such would enrage my Evil Step Father, whose own film making ambitions were pretty much dead and largely by his own hands. Even the slightest possibility of my getting anywhere in that regard would be violent rebuke to him. So they had to be crushed.

And crushed they were. That was really when the last real spark of my dream to make movies was extinguished. It took years for me to finally admit such, after surviving nearly two years of homelessness. With that perspective, I had gained the strength to admit that my dream was finished.

But I cannot seem to shake the anger. It would be one thing if the Monster that is Hollywood had beaten me. I'd be in good and often noble company in that regard. But to be betrayed so blatantly by my own mother because of her fucking fear? That is an anger I suspect I shall take to my grave.

My dad was in hospital last week. His ticker had a lil hiccup. Being the Drama Queen that I am, I went to Worst Case straight away. He seems okay btw. But he and I have resolved our issues, largely because of his efforts. I merely acknowledged them.

This of course brought up the unresolved issue of my mother. The key is the Evil Step Father. While he lives, I seriously doubt any resolution is possible. I actually have a Google Alert set for his name – he has some fame – waiting to see that he has died. But he's one of those Eastern European sons-of-bitches who outlive everybody. That he's a vital and talented artist only makes his probably lifespan greater.

So, therefore I expect my mother shall also take these unresolved issues to her grave as well. She's diabetic and an active alcoholic, so the prognosis sucks. *sigh*

And fuckin' El Padrasto would likely get some little Asian art girl as a live-in companion within months of her death. He's wanted one of those for years now. That Mumsie is also a violent
alcoholic has precluded such.

Yeah, my Family System is a fucking hoot when it's laid out in black & white like this.

Now I have to work on some Lawfare weapons, but I have zero motivation to do so, even though only some assemble is required at this point. I just want to sleep and watch cop shows. Feh...

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