Thursday, February 10, 2011


~Lately my dreams have been good, far happier than my waking, so I have been staying in bed a lot. I suppose that could be classified as depression, but I'd use a small 'd'. A large part of that is external. Unless you're a stone Sunshine Nazi, even a casual perusal of any news feed you care to choose will get you some kind of depressed.

And part of this is sadness. Goddess Knows I have armies of regret. Besides my own 'life issues' of the “I coulda been a contender” variety, a significant motivation for the Work I do is a living amends to the women I have hurt in my life or the ones I could not 'save'. I have come to truly accept that I could never 'save' anyone other than myself, but those I wished...well, that still hurts not matter how much Wisdom I have garnered.

Last Sunday was my mother's birthday. In the weeks proceeding I entertained the idea of some sort of acknowledgment of the event. But, in the end, I could find nothing that didn't seem as if it couldn't be misinterpreted as something else negative. Which it likely would.

And I have been sad ever since....

She has always hated 'heartfelt letters' and the like. I suppose they make her feel and she has never wanted to face that. I guess it's all too painful for her, all her armies of regret.

So I have to accept that she will probably go to her grave without us ever resolving any of this, which I can do. I'm tougher than I sound when I'm whining like this. The sadness however...that I'll likely take to my grave.

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