~There is a long and lurid history of writers having various degrees of mental breakdowns while working on their Important Projects. That ranges from simple 'emotional exhaustion' to death, usually by suicide, numerous forms of substance abuse or just plain physical collapse.
Me, I'm only suffering from the aforementioned 'emotional exhaustion'. I went back through my journals yesterday to track my progress vis-a-vis The Explanation. I noted that I started seriously working on a 'unified program' as early as Autumn of 2005, [5AS] which was just after my two years of homelessness ended.
But the first dedicated version was The First Rough Assemblage of a Temple Information Package posted on Aug 18th, 2007 [21st Octobria, 7AS]. I looked for when I actually started The Explanation itself, but it appears that happened in The Temple on the late lamented Commie Journal. However I found this post from Sept 8th, 2008 [11th Novembria, 8AS] that shows a very rough first draft of Part One and where I say “I've been working [this] on since my birthday”, which would be Aug 28th, 2008 [6th Novembria, 8AS].
So, I've been going at The Explanation for three and quarter years pretty much non-stop. And those were some rough years. Money troubles. A year and half of intense and steady Trolling, much of it functionally religious persecution, being attacked for our Spiritual Beliefs, but on a very personal level. The onset on my diabetes. And watching The Republic and The World circling the drain.
Not all that surprising that I'm so utterly burnt out.
Things are much better these days. Finances, while still not wonderful, are certainly under control. The Trolling has dropped off to near zero. They greatly underestimated us. Le-Le has serious tech skilz and I'm just too big a fucking asshole, plus 'other shit' caught up with quite a few of them. My Beetus is also under control. If I lose 30lbs, it might even 'go away'.
However The Republic and The World are more fucked than ever. America always seemed able to pull its fat out of the fire, but the greedy sons-of-bitches who run The Corporate State may have finally killed the goose that lays the golden eggs. That, more than anything else, is what has driven me to grind away at The Explanation.
But a few days ago it was like a tab just popped in my mind. I've maxed out and if I do not step back for a while, this thing may very well kill me. Heart attack most likely.
That said, here is a comment I made on that 'popped mind tab' post:
“What I said above is not in anyway a refutation of the Path I have advocated. I still believe every single word of it. Of course a New Religion is needed. No 'rational plan' will ever be able to change our path to self-destruction. It would 'die in committee'. Only some sort of Faith with a Rational Plan embedded in its epistemology has any hope of success. Only “It Is Written!” can bulldoze past the collective and accumulated bullshit.
And The Male IS The Problem. As I say in that 'fucking holy book', “So far, no one has presented a solution that will not be undermined by insistent masculine egotism. Think that through. Conceive of your paradigm and then place it into the world. What is the first obstacle that it encounters? Someones political, economic, and/or theological interest. Examine the fundamentals of that opposing interest. If you are really honest, you'll find threatened masculine ego, individually and collectively.”"
And as one Sister said, “You can't work your ass off if you kill yourself first.” So I shall relent for the foreseeable future.
I do have other work to catch up on. Jumping straight into Project X would probably be both foolish and counter productive. But I have a screenplay on my ancient laptop [a Toshiba T-3100] and Tyger said I need to get to that as the Toshiboy is degrading. I also have hard copies of two others that need to be backed up as well.
So I'll basically just type. A good semi-mindless activity that is still productive.
And there you have it...