Sunday, October 17, 2010

In Which Her Prophet Eats His Own Lunch

~It's been a week and a day since I ended it with Tina, but it feels like a month or more. I'm okay and I'm a mess. More 'new territory' for me.

I feel like I failed to 'provide her with a space' where she could push through her Damage, etc. Which is nonsense on one level and true on another. She knew what the deal was up here, but feel like I'd didn't do what was needed to help her enough. [CODA much?]

But I'm really taking my inventory in a big way today, feeling like a fucking failure and so on and so forth and Whah Whah Whah. [Nebs sez STFU!]

The harsh truth is this house is decorated like a storage facility. We've got two houses and a one bedroom apartment worth of stuff in here. And we're a pair of gimps of Disability. All too many days either one of us 'just getting by'. And this is where a movement that changes the world is supposed to start?

Meanwhile E is literally yelling at me, “FINISH THE FUCKING BOOK!”

I know full well
The Explanation is The Key to all of this...and I am sooooo fucking stuck. And obsessing over being stuck. Which makes me more stuck. Which leads to more obsessing over being stuck. The classic Ouroborian Paradigm, swallowing ones on tail..or tale as the case may be.

I do my best to detach...and fail at that, as well....and even this rant seems to have provided no relief. *sigh*

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