The Veil/Vale Parts [2010]

~I have a number of things to post regarding Foreclosuregate, the looming Repug fuggliness next Tuesday and general ranting about the suicidal cupidity of my fellow humans. But I shall allow All Hallows Eve to pass relatively unmolested by such. Samhain itself passed ten days ago on the Full Moon that fell midpoint between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice.

Instead I shall share something E said upon this day eight years ago; "This is the day when we, the beings who rule this world, and have no doubt that we do 'rule', when we have decided that the Doors Between Worlds shall open. There are Other Days like this one, but here, on this continent, resides the Culture whose Vibration overwhelms all other 'lesser' Vibrations. And so This Day is the one that predominates. Think upon that as you travel through This Day. As a species, we Create, and Re-Create, our own Reality on a day to day basis. And I say We, because my Ancestors and yours are now One. Think upon that, as well."

And so it is....

Nebs Sez

"There will be no revolution. There will be no prosecutions of 'higher ups'. The Republic will just stumble on to its eventual doom while watching Bristol Palin twirl away on Dancing With The Stars."

..a comment HERE

Random

~I'm something of an emotional mess. I lay down but ran out of sleep before I felt rested. Right after I got up Le-Le told me that Terror Cat likes to get brushed...and I started crying.

I didn't know why for a few minutes. What came to me is that because of my Survival Fear about Money – an old family trait – I was having difficulty taking pleasure in our rescue of this little guy.

We've likely doubled his life expectancy and certainly made that life a better thing from now on. That he's showing signs that he's gonna soak that up....well, I should be able to simply bask in the pure happiness of that. And yet I'm twitching with anxiety.

This is where the damage of my past robs the joy of my present and right now all I can do is weep over that.....

Note To Self

"Ms. Plain’s work routine involved making detailed outlines of her books and then writing them in longhand in spiral notebooks, rarely using a typewriter and never a computer. A disciplined worker, she wrote for several hours in the morning five days a week. She produced a 500- or 600-page novel every year or so." ...from Belva Plain's NYT Obit

In Which Her Prophet Eats His Own Lunch

~It's been a week and a day since I ended it with Tina, but it feels like a month or more. I'm okay and I'm a mess. More 'new territory' for me.

I feel like I failed to 'provide her with a space' where she could push through her Damage, etc. Which is nonsense on one level and true on another. She knew what the deal was up here, but feel like I'd didn't do what was needed to help her enough. [CODA much?]

But I'm really taking my inventory in a big way today, feeling like a fucking failure and so on and so forth and Whah Whah Whah. [Nebs sez STFU!]

The harsh truth is this house is decorated like a storage facility. We've got two houses and a one bedroom apartment worth of stuff in here. And we're a pair of gimps of Disability. All too many days either one of us 'just getting by'. And this is where a movement that changes the world is supposed to start?

Meanwhile E is literally yelling at me, “FINISH THE FUCKING BOOK!”

I know full well The Explanation is The Key to all of this...and I am sooooo fucking stuck. And obsessing over being stuck. Which makes me more stuck. Which leads to more obsessing over being stuck. The classic Ouroborian Paradigm, swallowing ones on tail..or tale as the case may be.

I do my best to detach...and fail at that, as well....and even this rant seems to have provided no relief. *sigh*

Sixteen Years Sober

~Sixteen years ago Oct 16th was also a Saturday. I was two or three pages away from finishing my first screenplay, “An Ordinary Guy.” That was pretty rough as I get get 'too moody to live' when I write and this 'landmark' was kicking my ass Big Time.

I'd also had two very significant romantic relationships grow, flourish, crash, then burn since the beginning of the year, Theresa and Gretchen.

I was a fucking mess. So I decided to get loaded after five and half years rather tepid sobriety. 'Tepid' in that while I didn't 'use' I really didn't work any kind of a Program either. I went to meetings, but didn't do any kind of Step Work at all. Semi-white knuckling one could say.

I had a bunch of Vicodins left over from some dental work. Funny when I think about that. I was wrapped so fucking tight I split a molar from clenching my jaw too hard.

I cleared my sched such as it was for the weekend and made a date with three Vicodin for Saturday night. I don't remember much, largely because it was fairly uneventful. I ate a piece of bread and took the Vicodins with milk. I was always a very ritualized and controlled dope fiend.

The part that is the clearest was around one am, siting in my old polka dot Dotson in the parking lot of the Lucky's at Ocean Park and Lincoln watching the fog drift across the mercury vapor lamps and thinking 'how great it was to be stoned again'.

And then it was over....

I didn't go out on a tear. I just went about my life and 'forgot' the whole thing for nearly two years until was doing an actual 4th Step and my sponsor at the time 'went south' and became a Scientologist. *snork* That shit shook the memory loose. I was like, “Dude, you fucking went out!”

I rolled down to the Log Cabin Ass-Crack-of-Dawn Meeting, put up my hand, got a couple of good laughs when I shared the above, found myself a new sponsor and finally finished my 4th Step after roughly seven and a half years of going to meetings.

But it was that Sunday back in '94 that was my first day sober this time around. So, today, October 17th, is my sixteenth AA Birthday. Go me!

Addict? Asshole? Dooshnozzle?

~So, this morning America Blog had The Stones cover of “Sister Morphine” and I thought that'd be an appropriate way to acknowledge the last day that I got stoned. [so far...that's why we do this thing One Day At A Time ya know] And that's all I did; post a vid and say 'sixteen years since I got stoned'.

And saint_boner came over from one of two friends LJ's and says, “This year sometime marked my 44th anniversary smoking pot. peace out.”

Yeah, that annoyed me, but I've been nudgy for the past week anyway. And like most things of that nature, it got me thinking. Not gnashing my teeth or anything; just thinking. It's what I do.

Clearly, this was Reactive Hostility. If one of y'all had said something like I'd figured yer being a wiseass because friends get to fuck with each other like that and most of you have intuited that I wear my Sobriety loosely. I do not need anyone else to stay Sober in order for me to stay Sober. [see AA bumper: It's An Inside Job]

So this person saw my post and felt the need to come over here and make a dumb remark which he had not earned the right to make, aka he 'reacted with hostility'. Sure, it is just minor stupidity, but what was the point? Obviously, my Statement of Sobriety bugged him.

For such to happen, he has to be in one or more states of being. As it was clearly Reactive Hostility, I'd say Asshole is a given.

But the content of the comment indicates the possibility of Addict. I say 'possibility' because I'm not of the Step Nazi School that says anyone who uses any substance is a drunk and/or dope fiend. I'd say most who do are not. That is because I know it is about The Thinking, not the substance or the behavior: 'how does your using affect your thinking?'

In that context, I'd lean toward Addict as well. But I cannot say for sure. Only the individual can really make that call. What 'leans me' is that he felt the need to make that particular comment upon that particular post. This indicates to me that his pot smoking has been brought up as a possible addictive behavior and my addressing my Sobriety annoyed him. See? The Thinking that leads to the behavior is the key.

Of course, he could just be one of those clowns who reflexively hate me. But again, we go to the 'Thinking that leads to the behavior'. They see Nebris and they respond automatically regardless of the content or context. That is also 'addictive behavior'.

Plus that would would qualify him as a Dooshnozzle too. lol

And there you have it....

PS Just for the record, it is utterly clear to me that the War on [Some] Drugs is a global disaster and I favor legalization of everything, even meth. I say Regulate, Tax, and Treat.

Nebs Sez

"The 'free market' is a bullshit fairytale sold to idiots by Corporate shills. The state is at present essentially owned by the corporations. It is not in their best interest to allow a 'free market'. Therefore, such a thing can never exist as only an unfettered state could enforce it and the Moneyed Interests will always buy their way into control.

In other words, the 'free market concept' is a shell game.

And if there is no form of government, the Moneyed Interests will buy one and set it up. It's a circle jerk and not a single one of the various 'isms' that are presently being bandied about can withstand the power of Corporatism and the Modern Corporate Marketing Culture [aka The Hologram] that keeps it in place. I'd go so far as to say that The Hologram has now become so seamless that even those who 'run' it are themselves often subject to its delusions."

repeating myself [thread comment]

"I suppose having Center/Right Sycophantic Corporatist Democrats in charge is better than having Far Right Batshit Racist and Bedwetter Republicans in charge. At least the Dems make a pretense at governance.


..I've said that exact quote maybe ten times in the past week or so..still makes me sick.."

DW Writing Blog

~I'm seriously considering creating a Dreamwidth account for The Imperium. I used to have one on Commie Journal and I probably miss the thing more than I do CJ overall. *ponders*

Done: http://the-imperium.dreamwidth.org/profile

Nothing there as yet. [couple things there now] That'll take some time, as I wish to organize it properly.