~Back at the end of July I was pretty up beat. Sister Two seemed committed, a possible Sister Three appeared fairly solid and the writing flowed out of me with ease.
Then came a series of 'tests and crises'. My writing screeched to a halt. The potential Sister Three 'got weird' – still really dunno what happened there – and Sister Two was fading.
Now, a little over three months later, Sister Two is gone – and dropped totally off the radar after I ended it with her. I still have no idea what's up with said 'possible' Sister Three, except that I'm sure she ain't. And my writing is only now starting to percolate again. [as it always does]
I don't harbor any animosity toward either of those Sisters. The Temple ain't any easy gig and they both have a lot on their respective plates. I take myself far more to task than either one of them. I'm supposed to be Her fuckin' Prophet, ya know? The Enlightened Holy Assed Mutha Fuckah who's gonna Change The Mother Fucking World! feh
More like 'Dinky Dog of Terror', as Bukowski once said.
So now we're back to a 'mom and pop operation'; me, Le-Le, and the cats. I am grateful that I have them and this house, which while overstuffed, it still safe and comfy. And Goddess Knows we're doing a fuck lot better than millions of our fellow citizens these days.
I feel like I have failed. I'm not going to whine about the details of that. I hate that shit.
It's just...well, I'm supposed Make This Happen! And two thirds of the time I cannot get out of my own way.
...and E whispers [with some exasperation..though that may be my own] ”Finish The Explanation and everything will change.” And I know for certain that is what I am really scared of.